


i feel lost, so lost

by sparklingmini



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Background Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, I’m sorry, M/M, Secret Relationship, bc i love her, by background relationships i mean chaewon/minju, cha junho best boy, especially chaewon, i made dongpyo a bitch at the start, junho and chaewon are “dating”, let’s hope i haven’t forgotten anymore of these stupid tags, mentioned izone members, mentioned seungwoo, stan izone or die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:33:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24451405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingmini/pseuds/sparklingmini
Summary: minhee knows these feelings shouldn’t be here. it’s been engraved in his brain since he was a child, but for what?when these feelings are very much present when he looks at junho, he just knows something isn’t right with himself.“mini,” speak of the fucking devil. “you wanna do something today?” minhee can’t, they can’t hang out anymore.“sure.”minhee’s screwed.
Relationships: Cha Junho/Kang Minhee, Son Dongpyo/Song Hyeongjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	i feel lost, so lost

**Author's Note:**

> wow, this is so long,,,, i started this last year and it was just sitting in my google docs like “hi” and i just ignored it. there’s probably going to be some plot holes since i left it so long and the endings kinda fucked, but whatever, there’s nothing i can do. i had to add chaewon in there, i’m not sorry. i’ll probably be making a chaewon/minju because i adore the both of them so much. my woollim stan side probably showed a lot in this, especially towards the end. enjoy this 6.6k story of angst with a pinch of fluff.
> 
> title from: still on you (feat. adrian mckinnon) - san

minhee knows these feelings shouldn’t be here. it’s been engraved in his brain since he was a child, but for what?

when these feelings are very much present when he looks at junho, he just knows something isn’t right with himself. 

“mini,” speak of the fucking devil. “you wanna do something today?” minhee can’t, they can’t hang out anymore. 

“sure.”

minhee’s screwed.

—

junho’s soft face, eyes, mouth, nose and robotic-like features, will always get him. minhee’s always been a sucker for soft things and this is no exception.

“mini-hyung?” minhee vaguely recognises hyeongjun’s voice as he stares at junho from afar. 

“hmm?”

“stop staring at junho-hyung  _ please _ .” hyeongjun pleads. “i invited you out to hang with me. not to stare at junho the whole time.”

minhee finally realises that he has been staring at junho this whole time and his first reaction is to smack his head against the table the two are sitting at. hyeongjun gasps and places his hand against minhee’s forehead to check if he’s ok. 

“please don’t do that mini-hyung.”

“this isn’t right jun. thanks for stopping me.”

hyeongjun just stares, “what?”

—

minhee has always been taught that two people of the same gender shouldn’t fall in love. he first learnt it the easy way, he’s seen his parents talk badly about it. he’s seen kids being threatened,  _ beaten _ for who they love.

minhee can’t be like that.

but when minhee first met junho, everything that he had worked for, crumpled up in a ball and was thrown into the trash. 

either way, minhee can’t be like that. 

(even if he suffers.)

—

he first witnesses how happy two people can be dating someone of the same gender when his two childhood best friends get together. 

he watches as hyeongjun receives a soft kiss on his cheek from dongpyo and the former scrunching up his nose in happiness.

his other friends coo and soft ‘awes’ escape them. 

minhee, however, can’t say anything, he feels sick, he feels jealous.

he wants to be happy. 

but he can’t. this thing, isn’t right, isn’t acceptable. 

minhee’s suffering.

dohyon’s always been perceptive. so, when minhee excuses himself and makes a beeline for the bathroom, he’s not surprised that dohyon follows him in.

“mini-hyung?” minhee doesn’t want to hear that name anymore, he’s sick of it. “what’s wrong, you don’t look very well.”

“i’m fine dohyon,” he’s not fine. “you didn’t have to follow me here.”

“i don’t believe you hyung.”

“jus-just go, dohyon, i’ll be fine.”

he won’t be fine.

dohyon just leaves him.

—

minhee feels his heart beat out of arrhythmia as junho smiles at him from across the store.

_ stop, minhee. you know it’s wrong. _

minhee quickly looks away, embarrassed, he can’t be like this.

“mini-hyung?” one of these days, he’s going to throw up at that name. “do you like junho-hyung?” minhee knows it’s another innocent hyeongjun question, but minhee can’t help but feel sick at the thought of him liking junho.

“no. absolutely  _ not _ .” it comes out harsher than he expected, and like he’s trying to argue with hyeongjun. there’s nothing to argue about, but minhee feels there’s a war in himself right now too. “where did you even get that from?”

hyeongjun just gives him an awkward smile, “sorry hyung.”

—

the faces his parents make when they find out about dongpyo and hyeongjun isn’t at all kind, caring and accepting. it’s the exact opposite. they reprimand even  _ minhee _ just for being  _ friends _ with them.

“you aren’t to go see them anymore minhee. they’ll get you too.”

minhee tries to argue that he’s been friends with them for  _ years _ , they’re his  _ childhood best friends _ . it had been the three of them for  _ so long _ , until junho, eunsang and eventually dohyon had joined them too.

all that earns minhee is a harsh slap on the face and the promise of no dinner for him tonight.

later that night, minhee cries. he calls hyeongjun up to cry to him as well. 

“i-i’m so sorry junnie.” he sobs into the speaker.

“it’s ok mini-hyung! you don’t have to worry!” hyeongjun tries to comfort minhee, but it doesn’t work too well. minhee can hear the worry lacing his voice either way. “you’ll still hang out with us, right?”

“o-of course, junnie, i-i’m not gonna let this s-stop us.”

—

the next time they hang out, minhee has to lie to his parents about where he’s going and who he’s going with.

“i’m going out now!” he calls out.

“who are you going with?” a soft but harsh voice calls out – his mother, nice on the outside, to others, but to minhee, she’s the devil, a demon that haunts his dreams.

“just with junho, i’m going to his house, i’ll text you later!”

thankfully his mother doesn’t question him any further.

when he gets to their hang out spot, he can see dongpyo visibly flinch and move away from where he’s cuddling hyeongjun. eunsang gives him a weird look from where dongpyo’s pushed into him. 

“mini-hyung!” hyeongjun calls from where he’s running into minhee’s chest. he can also vaguely see dongpyo glare from where he’s sitting and eunsang pats his back. 

“please don’t worry about dongpyo-hyung,  _ please _ .” hyeongjun pleads, “if he believes that you would be the same as them, then he doesn’t really know you. who cares if you guys are “childhood friends”, if he thinks you’re like this, then what’s the point of calling him your childhood best friend?”

minhee inhales with a shaky breath. “let me talk to him then, if you talk to him, it’s not going to do much.”

hyeongjun looks back at dongpyo watching them with hesitation in his eyes. “ok.” he eventually gives in. “please don’t say anything too harsh.” minhee nods.

“of course not.”

minhee’s conversation with dongpyo goes nothing like he and hyeongjun had expected. 

minhee had called dongpyo over for a nice, civil talk with him. instead, dongpyo had started to yell at him, claiming that he, too, was a homophobic asshole – just like his parents. at that point, tears had filled in minhee’s eyes, his brown eyes glistening with the unshed tears. 

the tears finally spill over when dongpyo runs over to hyeongjun and drags him away from the group, hyeongjun trying to pull away in protest. minhee can see hyeongjun’s crying too. 

minhee collapses on the floor as sobs escape his lips. he’s still in the shopping centre, everyone’s around him, watching as he breaks apart on the floor.

the three remaining boys run over to where minhee’s collapsed on the floor, rushing everyone away from the crying boy. they try to console him, but minhee tunes everything out, the only words running through his head is that of what dongpyo had called him only minutes earlier.

“mini,” a soft voice calls from his side. “mini, please look at me, please.” it’s junho, and minhee can’t look. he can’t look, he can’t,  _ he can’t. _

he looks to junho and sobs louder, “h-hyung.” junho rubs his back and shushes him.

“don’t speak mini, let’s go back to mine.”

all minhee can do is nod, as he latches his arms around junho’s neck. junho picks him up and tells eunsang and dohyon to go home.

“who knows when we’ll be able to hang out again like this.” eunsang and dohyon nod their heads. “i’ll text you two later.” 

by the time junho makes it to his house, minhee’s passed out.

minhee wakes up in junho’s bed, confused. 

he looks around the room to find no junho in sight. “junho-hyung!” he calls out, wincing at how hoarse his throat sounds from crying.

junho comes running in, “you’re awake, mini,” he says. “how are you feeling?”

minhee doesn’t know what to say. he’s never cried in front of anyone that wasn’t hyeongjun or dongpyo. he’s always been the happy-go-lucky person in the group, keeping the other five from spilling tears of their own.

“i-i’m ok, junho-hyung.” minhee lowers his head. “i’m sorry you had to see me so weak.”

“don’t say that minhee,” junho softens his voice. “you should always be allowed to show your feelings, don’t keep them trapped inside your head.”

minhee’s face heats up, he doesn’t deserve junho.

“thanks, hyung.” minhee replies softly.

“anything for you minhee.”

when minhee finally gets enough strength in his system (courtesy of junho’s _very_ nice mother, making him a _very_ _nice_ late lunch), he decides to finally head home.

“i’m home!” he calls out, not expecting anyone to be home.

“minhee.” he hears his father say in reply. “come here. now.”

minhee didn’t like that one bit. instead of disobeying, though, he entered where his father is and tries to prepare for anything that might be coming his way.

“minhee, what did i tell you about hanging out with those people.”

minhee stiffens, how did he find out? “i-i just—”

a harsh slap. right across his cheek. “no excuses minhee. go straight to your room. no dinner.”

minhee makes his way to his room, tears gracefully spilling over.

minhee tries to call hyeongjun.

he calls, over and over again. but to no avail.

“he must be with dongpyo.” he whispers to himself, “of course, dongpyo wouldn’t want me near either of them anyway.”

he tries one more time and ultimately ends up crumbling onto the floor, soft sobs escaping in waves.

he then hears the soft shrill of his phone and his hand dives for it, not bothering to look at the caller’s id, expecting it to be hyeongjun.

“hyeongjun, hyeongjun, hyeongjun.” minhee repeats his name over and over again like a mantra. “I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I really didn’t, please believe me.”

“ _ woah woah _ woah,  _ calm down minhee, it’s just me _ .” oh, it’s just junho. minhee’s face heats up in embarrassment. 

“sorry hyung…” minhee says, the embarrassment very evident in his voice.

“ _ no need to be sorry, mini, i was just blown away as all _ .”

“i’m so embarrassed hyung, oh my god,” minhee shakes his head. “please forget the whole entire thing, please.”

“ _ sure sure. whatever you say minhee _ .” junho laughs and minhee thinks it’s the cutest laugh to ever exist. “ _ say… would you like to come over again tomorrow minhee? _ ” 

minhee panics for a second then realises that his father probably won’t approve, knowing that he lied the last time when he went out. 

“sorry hyung, i don’t think i can…”

“ _ why? is everything ok? _ ”

“yeah! of course it is,” minhee swiftly lies, “i’m just really caught up with schoolwork, maybe next time cha-hyung.”

“ _ cha-hyung? _ ” fuck. 

“s-sorry hyung, i didn’t mean to, it just slipped out.” he slaps a hand over his mouth.

“ _ no, it’s ok mini, i think it’s cute, a special nickname, from a special person _ .”

minhee can feel his face flush significantly, heat rising at a rapid pace.

“ _ no one has really given me a nickname yet, so i really appreciate it mini _ .”

“not even pyo-hyung?” 

“ _ no, not even dongpyo, and he’s the one that gives everyone nicknames, how ironic _ .”

they settle into soft giggles until minhee’s father is storming into his room.

“minhee, what the fuck did i tell you?” minhee leaps from where he’s sitting at his desk.

“d-dad,” minhee hesitantly says. 

“i told you to stay the fuck away from them and look where I see you? chatting happily with one of them!”

“it’s not even one of them! it’s junho-hyung! not hyeongjun, not dongpyo-hyung!” minhee’s firing back even though he knows it won’t end happily for anyone.

“what gave you the right to yell at me minhee!?” minhee’s oh so fucked.

—

minhee wakes up to the sound of his father yelling at him.

“get up, minhee. give me your phone and get ready for school. if i hear that you’ve been hanging out with them again, i won’t be afraid to have a repeat of last night.”

minhee shivers and gets up to give his phone to his father. “have a good day dad.”

“get ready for school, i don’t want to hear another peep from you.” minhee nods and his father finally leaves him alone to get ready.

minhee slowly peels his t-shirt up and over his body to be greeted with those dark, purple bruises that litter his (used to be) clear, white skin. he remembers last night and whimpers. 

minhee’s been a victim of his dad’s beatings once before, vowing to never upset his dad again. he’s never told anyone about his dad and never intends to let anyone know. not even dongpyo and hyeongjun.

he finally finishes getting ready, a multitude of whimpers and winces escaping him.

when minhee meets up with hyeongjun a couple of streets down from his house, he sees hyeongjun running towards him. minhee tries to brace himself for the incoming pain he’s about to feel.

as much as he felt prepared to deal with the onslaught of hyeongjun’s hug, nothing could have actually prepared him for the massive amounts of pain he actually felt.

“fuck!” he screams out, he can already feel the tears gathering in his eyes. hyeongjun moves away from minhee as quickly as he made it to him.

“ah! mini-hyun—”

“i’m fine, hyeongjun. let’s just go to school.” minhee cuts hyeongjun off before hyeongjun can say anymore. hyeongjun can’t know.

minhee moves off before the younger can stop minhee in his tracks, before the younger can ask him anything else.

soon enough, dohyon’s joining them, then finally eunsang and junho.

“where’s pyo-hyung?” dohyon asks. it’s an innocent question, but minhee flinches at the mention of his name.

minhee can feel gazes on the back of his head as he walks. he’s more concerned about junho, though. minhee knows he heard half of the shit that went on last night and minhee cringes.

“he’s not coming to school today dohyon, he should be back tomorrow though.” they all nod at hyeongjun’s answer, moving on from the dongpyo topic pretty quickly.

minhee feels a slight tug on the hem of his shirt, then he's being pulled behind the rest of the three, who are talking animatedly about their fun night. minhee can’t join in. even if he lies.

“are you ok, mini?” junho asks quietly, as to not disturb the other boys. it seems pretty hard though, the boys in question not looking back once. “and don’t tell me “i’m fine, cha-hyung”, like i’m going to believe that bullshit. i know you really aren’t.”

minhee lowers his head, “sorry hyung.”

“don’t be sorry mini,” junho rubs his back as he speaks. “i just need you to be safe in your own home.”

“right, hyung.”

junho smiles at minhee and minhee panics, heat rising to his face. whether it’s from embarrassment or because, dare he say it, he likes him, no one’ll know.

but minhee’s not gay, the latter is impossible.

—

skip to the next day, and dongpyo is finally back at school. he’s managed to yet again, drag hyeongjun away from the group. 

hyeongjun tells him that he’s trying to persuade dongpyo that he’s not the bad guy, but obviously, it’s not working.

“hey, are you and dongpyo ok?” it’s eunsang, his sweet voice burns through his ears.

“does it look like we’re ok to you?” it comes out harsher than minhee expected and minhee’s flinching when junho steps in too.

“minhee! don’t speak to eunsang like that.” 

“sorry, junho-hyung, eunsangie.” minhee apologies and eunsang replies to him with a soft hug. minhee returns the hug. minhee feels safe.

“i’m not feeling well today, i’m sorry.”

“no need to apologise mini-hyung,” eunsang replies. “it’s not an easy thing, the position you’re in.”

junho, eunsang and dohyon give him soft smiles.

“we’re here for you, mini-hyung, don’t forget that.” 

“thank you, guys,” minhee smiles. “i really appreciate it. a lot.”

“that’s what we’re here for.”

after that talk, minhee feels confidence flow through him.

after seeing hyeongjun and dongpyo over with some of the older students, he storms over and grabs dongpyo forcefully by his forearm.

“dongpyo, i need to speak to you,” minhee grits out through clenched teeth. “and you can’t tell me no.”

“what the fuck minhee?” dongpyo yells as soon as they’re seated.

“i’m sick of you treating me like i’m some homophobic piece of shit!” minhee yells back, students passing by looking over at the pair that’s yelling. “you act like you and hyeongjun being a couple makes me want to puke all over you two! i don’t! you’re the piece of shit here for believing that!!”

“you have to be! your parents hate the lgbt, that means you do, you’re their son, and children always take after their parents!” dongpyo retaliates.

“how do you know that? huh? you just assumed that!” minhee’s  _ tired, _ tired of dongpyo’s shit. “besides, what if i’m gay too?”

minhee gets up and leaves. tears in his eyes.

—

the next day, dongpyo is with hyeongjun, waiting for minhee. the couple is holding hands, faces close to each other, lopsided grins on both of their faces.

minhee wishes he and junho could be like that.

no! what is he thinking? he’s not gay.

“mini-hyung,” hyeongjun’s soft voice breaks him from his daydream. “pyo-hyung wants to say he’s sorry.”

before minhee can say anything, dongpyo’s attacking him with a hug. it’s been a few days since his dad stuck those bruises on his skin, but it still hurt minhee to the core, a small whimper escapes him.

dongpyo let's go in worry, opening his mouth to say something. 

“i-i’m ok pyo-hyung, really!” he says before dongpyo can utter a single syllable out of his mouth. “i— just— wasn’t e-expecting it, as all.”

dongpyo looks to hyeongjun, confused, but the younger just shrugs his shoulders.

“anyway, i’m just sorry that i assumed you hated hyeongjun and i because we were gay, and that because of your parents being homophobic, you would be too.”

“well, you should’ve known what i was like, and that i’m not like that, that’s all i’m mad about.”

“you’re completely right about that and i’m sorry.” dongpyo apologies again.

minhee hums, “could we get back to becoming amazing friends again? i’d prefer that very much.”

“yeah, let’s.”

when the three of them meet up with dohyon, he gives minhee a short smile, seeing dongpyo there with them once again.

when they finally reach junho and eunsang, junho pulls minhee behind the group again.

“how are the bruises, minhee?” he asks, a comforting tone in his voice.

“i-it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt as much at this point, but dongpyo hugged me pretty tight this morning, so it hurts at the moment.”

junho rubs his back, “come back to my house this afternoon and i’ll rub something over the bruises for you.”

minhee smiles, “god, i don’t deserve you cha-hyung.”

“and i don’t know what i would’ve done if you hadn’t approached me mini.”

minhee’s heart speeds up and what he says next completely escapes his mouth, “god, i love you so fucking much hyung.”

“uh, what?” minhee whips his head around to where junho’s got his eyes open in shock.

minhee realises what he’s just said and shakes his head back and forth violently, repeating the word “no” like a mantra.

“minhee, minhee, please look at me.” junho begs.

“i-i can’t,” minhee stutters out. “i-i’m not gay, i-i’m not.”

“hey hey  _ hey _ , minhee, no ones calling you gay.” junho tries to comfort minhee, even if it’s just slightly. 

the other four are looking on with immense worry on their faces.

junho looks up to his waiting friends, “you guys go on, i’ll skip school with minhee today, i’ll take him back to mine, see you guys tomorrow.”

the others nod their head.

“let us know if anything happens.” junho nods his head at eunsang.

“will do.”

“junho! minhee! is everything ok?” junho’s mother yells as soon as she sees her son walk through the door, minhee clutching onto junho’s side.

“we’re ok, just going to head to my room, i’ll be back downstairs for minhee to head home.”

“alright, would you like me to prepare snacks for the two of you?”

“yes please, thank you.”

“no problem, junho.”

“mini, look up to me, please, it’s been ten minutes.” junho worries and minhee shakes his head.

junho sighs, “will you let me ask you some questions then?” a nod.

“ok, do you know where we are at the moment?”

“o-on the way to school?”

“no, minhee, we’re at my house.” at junho’s words, minhee looks up in panic. 

“no no no, i-i can’t be here!” he says hurriedly, “i can’t be here cha-hyung, m-my dad, h-he’s gonna—” minhee stops himself before anything else can escape. minhee’s eyes are glassy and junho’s heart breaks.

“minhee, please don’t worry about that,” junho rubs minhee’s cheek. “i’ll talk to my mother and see if she can do anything, i’ll be back.”

minhee just sits there, not reacting, as junho stands up and takes his leave. his mother is making their lunch by the time he makes it down to the kitchen.

“oh, junho,” his mother looks up from where she’s cutting fruit, “is something the matter? is everything ok with minhee?”

“no, unfortunately,” junho says sullenly, “do you mind trying to persuade the administration that minhee was at school today?”

“of course junho, i’ll try the best i can, any reason why?”

“m-minhee gets beaten by his dad.” junho says quietly and his mother gasps in response.

“junho! why didn’t you tell me sooner? we need to tell someone.”

“no! you don’t understand! minhee’s the type of person to just go along with his father. if we try to tell someone, his father will somehow get minhee to turn it against us instead. no matter what we do, minhee will always turn to his family instead, even if it hurts him mentally and physically.” junho breathes in and out, calming himself. “i’m sorry, i-it’s just—”

“don’t say anything junho, i understand where you’re coming from, but look, if this gets any worse, we are going to tell someone.”

junho breathes out a sigh of relief, “ok, thank you.”

“no problem junho, now go back to minhee.” she plants a kiss on his forehead, junho grinning in response.

“mini, baby,” the pet name slips out easily and minhee flinches. “my mum’s going to talk to the administration and see what she can do.”

“o-ok cha-hyung, thank you.”

“anything for you,” junho replies, “now, we need to discuss what happened earlier.”

“w-why cha-hyung? why do we have to?”

“we have to talk or nothing will get resolved.”

“i-i can’t hyung...”

“why?” junho insists. 

“because! you dont like me, i don’t like you, and i’m not gay!” minhee yells, voice cracking slowly. “and m-my dad. he’ll beat me again, i-i can’t—” the tears cascade down minhee’s face in an attempt at an escape, junho hugs him tightly in response.

he lets go of minhee after a while, “i like you too, minhee.” he says strongly, making sure his voice isn’t lost in the wind, or minhee tries to deny it, by saying it  _ is _ the wind. minhee looks up in shock.

“n-no you don’t,” minhee denies the older’s words, “you’re lying to me, you’re lying to me! you just—”

minhee’s cut off by junho’s soft lips attaching to his. when junho let’s minhee’s lips go, he lays his head on the younger’s shoulder. 

“please don’t doubt my love for you minhee.” he whispers 

“i-i’m sorry,” minhee whispers back, “b-but you can’t date me. m-my parents w-will find out a-and i can’t let that happen!”

“i have an idea, please listen to it.” junho says and minhee nods his head. “how about, we date, but we don’t do anything outside of this house. we’ll still be able to date, be able to be together, but your parents won’t find out, and you’ll be safe.”

“i-i don’t know cha-hyung,” he says with hesitation.

“c’mon, minhee, i’m not letting this chance to finally be with you get away, we have the chance to be happy to be together, don’t let this opportunity pass, mini.” junho confesses, and minhee looks down in shame. “if anything goes wrong, i’ll do everything in my power to stop it.”

minhee sits there, as if thinking about what junho’s just told him. “ok, i’ll be your boyfriend,” he says, a smile tugging at his lips. 

junho smiles back, he leans in to kiss minhee on the forehead, junho’s mother bursting in with their lunch.

“it’s lunch boys—” junho turns around, wide eyed, as his mother stands in shock. “are you guys kissing?!” she screams and minhee cowers back. 

“no!” junho yells back, “i-i mean, yeah... but it was only a forehead kiss!”

“does this mean something?”

“yeah, we’re dating?”

“since when!? you never told me junho, how dare you.” she pouts, making minhee chuckle, his former worry dissipating the moment he knows that junho’s mother is ok with them dating. not every parent is like his parents.

“it’s been like five minutes mum! give us time.”

“oh,” she replies, “well! why didn’t you tell me that five minutes ago?”

“ _ mum _ ,” he whines, “i’m sorry ok? but please can you get out? i still need to discuss things with minhee.”

“ok, ok, whatever you say, junho.” she eventually leaves the two to their own devices, slowly closing the door behind her. “enjoy the food boys.”

“we will,” junho calls after her. “now, do you mind if we tell the others? i don’t really wanna keep them in the dark about something as important as this...”

“that’s fine with me hyung, i would’ve told hyeongjun and dongpyo anyway, i can’t keep secrets from them even if i wanted to.”

“great, let’s eat then!” junho pecks minhee’s lips and they start eating their lunch.

when junho lets him go  at the end of the school day with a kiss, his mother tells him to return, and minhee shuffles home in fear. 

trying not to think about it, minhee shoves in his headphones and plays his upbeat playlist. 

when he finally gets home, he calls out that he’s home and gets no response. he breathes a sigh of happiness as relief floods through his veins. 

when he gets to his room, he checks his phone and sees a message from junho.

**cha-hyung <3** _hi baby, just checking that you got home safely, i’ll see you tomorrow_

minhee smiles happily and replies to junho. 

**me** _just got home safely, thank you cha-hyung!!_

—

the next day junho and him act like nothing happened — nothing changed between the two of them. they go about their morning and when it gets to lunch time, they finally decide to tell their friends of their relationship. 

“hey, guys,” junho starts, looking up from his food to face his friends, “minhee and i have something important we’d like to tell you. it’d be nice if you could not say anything until i am done. also, when i tell you this, it has to stay between us six and  _ never _ go  _ anywhere _ . when i tell you this, i mean it.”

“w-why? junho-hyung? what’s wrong?” hyeongjun asks quietly from where he’s sitting.

“cha-hyung and i are dating!” minhee squeezes out. “a-and you can’t tell anyone!”

everyone at the table lets their mouths drop open, none of them want to say anything, but dongpyo has other plans. 

“but i thought mini wasn’t gay?” dongpyo asks.

“i-i don’t—”

“shh, don’t say anything mini,” junho stop him, “listen pyo, things change, and minhee is no exception to that. neither are you, dongpyo, don’t let the things you already know stop you from learning or changing things, it won’t help you in the long run. things take time to learn, things take time to change, there are things that’ll always change, and your sexuality may be one of those things.”

“i’m sorry hyung, mini,” dongpyo apologises, “i didn’t mean it.”

“it’s ok, you guys are still basically babies, you don’t need to figure anything out right this instant. it’ll all work out when you grow up. or not,” junho says awkwardly, “but let’s not be too pessimistic.”

“right.” the other three nod in agreement. 

the day ends and junho invites minhee over for the afternoon. minhee texts his parents, and thankfully they agree, but not without a warning that scares minhee. 

junho’s mother greets them happily and they head up to junho’s room. 

as soon as the two of them reach junho’s room, junho’s hands are already on minhee’s face, lips peppering light kisses onto his face before giving a soft kiss onto his boyfriend’s lips. junho wants to go for more, but he knows minhee’s boundaries and he’s going to respect that. 

“i missed you hyung.” minhee says softly into junho’s ear and the latter chuckles. 

“i saw you all day today baby.”

“yeah, but i wasn’t able to touch you like this.” he pouts, and junho has the sudden want to squish minhee’s cheeks, so that’s exactly what he does.

“you’re so adorable mini, i miss you too baby.” at the pet name, minhee blushes and looks down.

“ _ hyung _ ,” he whines. “don’t say that.”

“what? baby?” he teases. 

“hyung. you’re mean.” minhee pouts again, but this time leans in to peck junho’s lips.

junho gasps as soon as minhee’s lips leave his. “you initiated a kiss!”

minhee looks down, “i guess i did.” minhee looks up into junho’s eyes before diving back down to kiss his boyfriend’s lips once again.

letting junho’s lips go, minhee’s smiles happily.

“is it too early to say i love you hyung?”

“of course not mini, i love you too.”

—

minhee can’t live in the safety of junho’s house forever.

no matter how much he  _ hates  _ having to go back to his own home, he has to do it. he has to face the uncertainty that lies in his own home. what is  _ supposed  _ to be his safety,  _ not  _ junho’s house.

now that minhee is very sure he’s gay, he  _ has  _ to keep that to himself no matter  _ what. _

the uncertainty with this ties minhee’s stomach up into tight little knots and he’s unable to get his stomach free. he wants to call to junho for help, but he  _ can't.  _ he’s physically unable to get his mouth open.

he has been spending so much time at junho’s he should have been expecting the questions his parents give him.

“why have you been spending so much time at junho’s lately minhee? we barely see you around anymore, it’s breaking your mother’s and i’s hearts.”

minhee gulps. he’s an only child; there’s no way he can deflect the questions.

“we’ve been studying a lot together, there’s always something new for us to study.” minhee smoothly lies, he’s proud of himself, he must say.

“and there’s a reason you can’t do it in the library?”  _ great, more questions. _

“if the librarian gave us afternoon snacks while we studied, then maybe i’ll reconsider.”

“are you being snarky to me minhee? i’m only asking you simple questions.”

“no dad, i’m sorry.” minhee apologises quickly.

“bring him home tomorrow, i want to see him.”

minhee’s eyes go wide, “huh? you want junho-hyung over? why?” he asks carefully, as to not cause a disruption to their “peaceful” dinner.

“i want to make sure he isn’t going to turn out like those two childhood friends of yours. speaking of them, are they still together, do you still hang around them?”

“but—” minhee bites his tongue, there’s no use, he needs to lie— “junho-hyung has a girlfriend, her name’s kim chaewon. he’s straight, if you want confirmation. and no, i don’t hang around them anymore, it’s just junho-hyung, eunsangie, dohyonnie and i. to be frank, i don't know where they hang out, probably with seungwoo-hyung and his friends.”

“good, what about the other two?”

minhee bites his tongue again,  _ what the actual fuck? why does he care? _ he can’t fucking believe that his dad cares  _ this much  _ just because his friends got together.

he sighs, “eunsang’s parents don’t want him dating until he’s finished school for good, so he’s pretty private about it. dohyonnie’s fifteen, he’s focusing on his grades.”

his dad nods happily, minhee hopes his dad will  _ finally  _ let him eat, so he can go back to texting junho. he has to tell junho that he’s now apparently straight  _ and  _ dating chaewon. (remind him to apologise to her in the morning. she’s a nice senior, and a good friend to junho, he’s  _ really  _ got to apologise.)

just when he thinks he can finally eat his food, his dad speaks again.

“are you studying well? you’re the top of the class, straight-a student. keep it, minhee, don’t let  _ anything  _ deter you. i don’t care  _ what _ you’re going through.”

_ it’s like i can’t even feel any emotions anymore, i’m not a fucking robot! _

“excuse me?!” his dad suddenly screams and minhee stiffens, he said that out loud, didn’t he? “just— go to your room, minhee, don’t finish your dinner, i’ll be up there soon.”

_ i’m fucked. _

—

when minhee thinks that he’s getting better, he gets worse.

it’s like his dad’s beatings get worse and worse each and every time minhee fucks up, even just a little bit.

when minhee tells his boyfriend about what happened the previous night, they don’t join their friend group for lunch.

“we need to tell someone mini, i can’t see you like this anymore,” a worried junho says, “you’re being hurt and i can’t deal with that when i  _ know  _ it’s going on.” junho wraps his arms around minhee’s waist carefully.

it hasn’t even been a day - he can still feel the moment his dad started beating him with his belt.

“hyung, i’m sorry,” minhee apologises, “i had to say you had a girlfriend to my dad at dinner last night, and that we don’t hang around pyo-hyung and hyeongjunnie, please remember that when coming over tonight.”

“huh? i’m coming  _ what _ now? and i have a  _ what _ ?” junho asks, obviously  _ very  _ confused.

“oh,” minhee replies dumbly, “sorry, yeah, dad wants you over tonight. also, remind me to apologise to chaewon-noona, she’s your “girlfriend” right now.”

junho nods his head in understanding, “it’s ok, she’ll understand, luckily you chose someone i know well.”

“i know you’re very close to her. she was like, the only person you ever spoke to when you first came here.”

“how—”

“ _ everyone  _ loves her, cha-hyung, half of my class had a crush on her. when some loner boy started hanging out with the cool and pretty  _ kim chaewon-noona? everyone _ was talking about it.”

junho looks half offended, “how did i never hear what they were talking about?”

“don’t look so offended hyung. chaewon-noona was very protective of you, you should’ve seen her angry face when she heard people talk smack about you. you’ve managed to find new friends anyway, don’t cry about something that happened ages ago.”

“and i managed to find the greatest boyfriend ever,” junho lands a quick peck on minhee’s lips and the latter chuckles, “i love you mini, very much.”

“i love you too, cha-hyung.”

the bell goes off and the two lovers separate.

“i’ll see you tonight mini.”

“dad,” minhee starts nervously, “this is cha junho, my bo—est friend.”  _ holy shit. what the fuck minhee. _

“come, junho, sit next to minhee.” minhee goes to sit down at his usual spot and junho follows, silently sitting down next to his boyfriend.

_ it’s very awkward,  _ minhee thinks,  _ he’s literally meeting my parents, but not in the way i’d want it. _

“so, junho, how did you meet our precious minhee?”

“minhee has always been top of the grade, top of his classes, everyone knew about him from the first high school day. though, it was actually minhee who came up to me, i’m a really shy person, so he asked to be friends.”

“our minhee always has been the outgoing one, hopefully he didn’t annoy you too much.”

_ stop calling me ‘your’ minhee. _

“yeah, he’s always been the one to find our other friends. before minhee, the only person i was ever around was my then best friend, now girlfriend and her friend group. minju-noona got kinda annoying after a while, not going to lie. i’m glad i’m not always with them all the time now.”

“ah, i heard you have a girlfriend from minhee,” his dad says, “how is she? is she nice?”

“ah, chaewon-noona? if i had to describe her she’s the nicest person i know, she’s stunning too, i couldn’t have asked for a better girlfriend if i’m being honest. i love her very much.”

“do you plan on marrying her?” his dad asks and minhee can feel himself choke on his own spit.

_ what the fuck? he’s going to marry  _ me _ , not chaewon-noona. and who asks a  _ seventeen year old  _ that? _

“ah,” junho stops, “if we both still love each other when we’re both older and ready then of course, right now, i definitely see marriage in our future.”

minhee  _ knows _ that junho is dating him, but it doesn’t help the way minhee feels.

_ what if he actually leaves me for chaewon-noona? wait, didn’t hyung say she was dating minju-noona? is minju-noona ok with this? does she care? does she  _ know?  _ oh god, why did i say chaewon-noona? _

“—minhee?”

“huh? sorry, i spaced out, what are we talking about?” minhee replied dumbly and his dad shakes his head in disappointment.

“we were just talking about when you’ll finally get into a relationship. do you have an eye on any girl?” minhee’s dad questions with a glint of  _ something  _ in his eyes.

“oh, uh, i’ve been focusing on my studies. relationships only distract me from my goals.” minhee swiftly lies. he’s thought up so many situations in his head about how this dinner would go, that he feels prepared for anything.

“would you recommend any girls to our minhee, junho?”  _ oh.  _ maybe there was  _ one  _ thing.

“uh, chaewon-noona has this friend, yujin-noona. i think she’d fit perfectly with mini.”

his dad has the same glint in his eyes that minhee doesn’t know how to describe.

“hm, good, i’d like to see you bring home a good girl minhee.”

he’s  _ not  _ bringing home a girl, as soon as he’s old enough, he’s outta here to junho’s house, his  _ boyfriend. _

“yes dad, i’ll bring home a girl up to your standards.”

the rest of the night passes by in a blur for minhee. it’s all white noise and does end up going the way he predicted with only a couple of hiccups.

soon, his dad is asking if junho wants to stay the night and minhee’s shocked. minhee has  _ never  _ had anyone sleep over, and suddenly it’s junho?

it’s not that he  _ minds  _ per se, but if he’s over than how can minhee keep his hands off the older?

_ i’ll figure it out when we get there. _

minhee was right, he can't keep his hands off of his boyfriend.

the minute they got into minhee’s room, their hands were on each other. he needed to feel grounded. he needed to feel that junho loved him just as much as he did.

“i love you hyung.” he says as he lands a kiss onto junho’s lips.

“oh, mini,” junho’s eyes widen, “are you feeling ok?”

“you aren’t going to leave me for chaewon-noona right?” he has to let it off of his chest, no matter how stupid it may seem.

“of course not mini, i told you, i love  _ you  _ and chaewon-noona has a girlfriend, minju-noona.”

“does minju-noona know about this? is she ok with it? it’s been driving me insane, what if i’ve done something wrong?”

“mini,  _ calm down _ ,” junho stops minhee, “i’ve spoken to both chaewon-noona  _ and  _ minju-noona, they understand and are completely ok with this,  _ don’t worry _ , please.”

“i-i can’t do this anymore, hyung, i can’t stay here, i  _ can’t _ .”

“you know what? let’s run away tonight, let’s do it, let’s get away for a bit, you need it.”


End file.
